every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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