How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
