It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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