Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I puked a lego.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
