hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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