my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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