She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
