My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
