Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
