just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
