i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
