i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
