Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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