there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
