I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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