This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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