Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
