based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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