last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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