My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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