ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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