apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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