you turned your livingroom into a bong?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
