this beer tastes like vomit already
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
