I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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