Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you traded sex for a burrito?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
