2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
