On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
