I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
