haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
