Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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