"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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