Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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