This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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