I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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