he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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