just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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