cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
