I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
