you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
