I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
