WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
