I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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