Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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