Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
