Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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