im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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