my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
