3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
