If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
