I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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