i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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