All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
