thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
